Jumble, jumble, my heart is tumbling
over the slants of your
shoulder. Your nape is fragrant.
Let me kiss you, rose bud.
I am no one without you.
Without a metaphor,
a greedy monster. Will you reconcile
with me- won’t you, soft petal?
Even though it’s time to be separate-
a clarion call has come
to be evenly strong.
Without me, an individual. I am a reactionary,
not wish to be. Without you- aloof, bitter,
violent. You are remedy. My life’s cliche.
I abhor you, darling, I love you so much.
Then, another separation, death.
The departure of you
from myself and I
from you. A vacancy remains not for there
will be new loves. Will they remember us?
Or, say, it will not matter, who loves whom, and how
our hearts were broken in a fickle way.
Forgetting is an almirah of loss and regret.
Love made of
in the ochre
flame of guilt, rusts
The hand grow
stiff in stiff
a jealous lover’s
I stand nearer to you. Not you.
The you that I adore.
Will give my life to-
My love will shine like the blinding drops of summer, will parch us,
and will overcome us like rain.
Greasy strands of memories would put salt on our wounds.
In the bitter rain I will cling to you, to you, to you.
You will be there when I am dry.
in this indecision I live
whom I both hate and love.
I will walk out and
go with love.
Don’t tell me how good that would be,
the consequences dire.
Or, how good should I be, without it, free.
I won’t listen, no, no.
I will stand up, hold her hand, forsake you for good.
I will walk out and go-
go with love.
No preacher has told me so.
No rocker has swayed me (my heart) with sad crooning at those oblong nights.
But this, this feeling that gnaws a pit (in me)
that I am nothing-
nothing without her.
Before I forsake this feeling, I’ll forsake you, naive.
Before you say a word (and wield a weary smile),
I will walk out of this place.
And go with my love.
The guy said, Fantastic! Over the phone.
Fantastic! Fantastic! He said rubbing his palms
together in glee. A radiant guy. Who had won-
just won- a publishing contract for a book of his
erudite economic essays; his first. Fantastic!,
unwittingly he said to his caller- by the sound of her
voice a demure lady from the publisher’s office.
The demure lady herself was fantastic. Polite and
happy to help. She explained the draft in detail.
Not that the essayist guy heard anything. Fantastic!
Fantastic! He kept repeating showing clearly
he didn’t know what else to say.
The lady said she too once studied Econ. A long time
ago. Far past than he could count the years with his
fingers, she laughed. Her professor, Professor Bhalerao
had been strict. Had taught her a marginal cost thing
which had not been so bad, but, Mrs. Surekha Patil’s
lectures on behavioral economics had been fantastic-
and the theory of games?- she rushed- the prisoner’s
dilemma and all?- kind of fun! She laughed again.
Indeed, she had read all the essays by our essayist-
the whole book!- despite her ignorance and lack of
time after a job, and being a mother of an autistic son.
But. Truly. He wrote well.
Thereafter the conversation was over. For the guy kept
mum. The lady stood on her toes, the heels by the
wayside- waiting- the phone in her hand turning warm.
She flushed. The world turning down on her: happiness,
doubtful. Unknownst to her a tall tree had taken root in the
essayist’s room. Splaying branches into the future- its
fickle round leaves of probabilities swayed- the ripe yellow
fruits of payoffs were hanging at the end. He said, I don’t know
how to say it, but, you are lovely. Will you go out with me?
The lady laughed. Nervously mentioning a bottleneck.
The guy said, Listen, I have calculated.
You, me, and your son, together. We will be fantastic!
love’s one purpose is to return
you to us again
from the oldness of a feeling
that you called love?
Your old love, we say.
love is not one (haven’t you already known)?
Never meant to be.
A nature’s jolt to say, enough
is enough with living with
whom you use to be?
yours to be light footed?
The huntress of rakes. Forever damsel.
You don’t need no cheque leaves
to pay your bills.
are the sovereign.
The law of the land.
The North Star of a dreamer.
One true love of an idealist.
The arbiter of preening peacocks.
And what if
you are more?
If only you ask for more
the entourage of men
will pay you darling tributes carried in Louis Vuittons
and build you a ballpark for your children to play?
not known love’s whimsical play.
Not a surety, an adventurer’s delight,
on a bad day. On a good day
it’s a bliss, but on a temporary land:
no safe house for me and you to stay.
If I go
Will you come with me?
If I burn
Like a star
Will you burn with me?
At the end the boy was sobbing like a girl and the girl couldn’t care less, like a boy. After the coffee was over, and Whitney Houston sang, “And I-hi-hi-hi, hi-hi-hi will all-waysss love you-hu-hu, hu-hu.” Twice! If it could have waited a little more, the solemn pious gang, she would have obliged the patrons with another encore soon.
Audibly, the coffee shop didn’t own many tracks and the manager worried so much about the billing he lacked variety in musical taste. The din and the hustle bustle that drowned sorrows and day to day loneliness floated like pink heart shaped balloons, provided solace when the music was not sufficient.
Even then, everything would turn pleasantly for better. The boy and the girl, desperately in love, would exchange cards showing a checkered capped, bare breasted boy toddler kissing a willing and rosy girl toddler dressed in a frilly frock. They would exchange gifts wrapped in red and golden paper and say ‘I love you’ to each other. The sound of that in that crowded place would instantly turn into noise.
‘What did you say?’
‘You know what I said.’ The girl blushed.
‘I don’t know.’
‘You know-o.’ The girl blushed again.
‘I don’t know, I swear.’ The boy was serious like hell.
‘I said what you said.’
‘What did I say?’
It went on. Not a terribly interesting piece of conversation. If you were a little practical- say, ‘you do what you got to do’ kind of practical- you would see it was meaningless. Get a room, boy. Take her home. You could barely stop yourself hollering across the coffee shop.
Home? The boy was from Akola. A Banjara boy. He stayed in the city with five other clueless, ‘all dying to have a girl friend’ friends in a one BHK. A trainee graphic designer. There was obviously no money. There was, of course, no room.
How about the girl? Why, hadn’t she had one? Oh, she had. But, it belonged to her City Corporator father. Bolstered by the Maratha votes, he had amassed what one man generally wished to amass in a life time. Power, prestige, a BMW. Seven flats and row houses. And several farm houses. Ninety acres of land. Big property, nothing hers.
For those hapless lovers, there was nowhere to go, the noise of the coffee house being their privacy and the noise being the memory of their early disappointments.
It was not always like this. When the boy had come to the city, he had been alone. Unattached. Fearless. He had come here to make money, woo the city girls and leave his mark. As an artist. As we all knew the art conquered the world.
It was difficult to get interviews though. More difficult for him was to impress the interviewers. To be recruited permanently with a steady salary seemed then utterly impossible. When he was coaxing his mother at night on the phone-“Don’t worry, Aai, I will find a job soon.”- he was coaxing himself too. The mother was apprehensive and it was not because she was familiar with the city job market. The father was in debt. “Sahukar came again today, Bala. Your father hid in the jungle. We have nobody else to ask. Do something.” the mother said.
The best he could do was to get a trainee position with a minuscule stipend and impress a fellow trainee designer with his utter silence during the office hours and an inherent gloominess that came naturally to him.
“Look at us, sir-ji, talk sometimes.” the girl teased. The entire helplessness of him was a safe playground for her. The more he went into silence, the more she danced around it with a gleeful abundance, a good natured girl, having no pride in being a daughter of a rich and powerful man.
“But the money, how to find money? I shouldn’t be distracted.” the boy thought.
“What does he think? Does he think of me? What does he think of me?” the girl thought.
“If we get married, her father will give us enough money and the debt will be paid.” he thought again, wistfully. That made him smile. Made him a little bold, may be. That’s when he felt like falling for her.
“Will he ever raise voice upon me? No, he won’t. He is so nice. Can’t the world see how nice he is? We will be happy together.” the girl thought. She- what’s the phrase?- blissfully followed his suit.
Then those days of whirlwind romance, as whirlwindy it could be in a caste conscious city. Holding hands in the darkness of the movie house, touching legs below the restaurant tables, brushing the breasts against his back while he was driving her Scooty. The boy had to almost close his eyes.
Her breasts were so soft they felt like pigeons. How illegal it might be, the Banjaras still hunted pigeons. He wouldn’t hunt them though. He would protect them, look after them and make them his own.
And that lingering warm feeling, blood being shot everywhere in the body, the heart pumping extra fast. The boy could not look into her eyes. The girl winced at him and understood immediately. They were so in love, they were horny. One day, someday, they would get married, make love, have children- they were so made for each other. Today, regrettably, was not that day. So they waited till the coffee was over.
Then they heard the commotion. Did you hear the commotion?
You would hear it now. After the erudition.
After the liberalization, as the market opened up, the practice of American rituals in our country became extremely popular. Now, that was about to happen. Following (blindly?) the greatest civilization (!) in the world in itself is quite inspiring. But retaliation came surprisingly from some of the prominent political groups. Their leaders, not entirely against the market economy- a few of them benefitted immensely because of it- were worried, justifiably so, being the descendent of an ancient civilization, about the protection and the purity of the culture.
Let’s call them the solemn pious gang. Shall we? Today being the Valentine’s Day, they were untiringly hard at work.
If you had heard the commotion already that was they were climbing up the stairs, eager, passionate, dedicated to a cause. To the first floor, where the coffee house was located, where there was noise already, in which our boy and girl hid themselves from the world in a way only a romantic couple could.
“No, Dada, no!” the girl cried and rushed forward. The boy was still in a haze.
“Go home, Gauri, leave this to us.” the man in a white kurta pajama and a brown goatee gasped. Manhandling a twenty two year old boy would tire him later. Thank God, the boy immediately cowered on the floor and was cooperating. It also seemed like the man, the leader, was somehow known to the girl. A brother, probably.
In our country, it was the brothers’ responsibility, in absence of or in coordination with the fathers, to protect the dignity of the daughters of the house. This brother was dutiful. His gang of young men cordoned off, the best way they could, to protect the girl, without touching her, without looking at her secretly.
The man held the boy by his hair, shook his head a few times as if to give him clarity of thought. He didn’t bring the superiority of his caste into conversation. That would be tactless. He was there only to put a show to his naive sister, how unworthy, how cowardly this son of a pig was. Things would have been easier if he could prove the boy as he actually was: greedy. That generally broke a young lover’s heart. If he could only make the boy confess…
He kept shaking the boy’s head. ‘Tell, tell’, he was shouting, ‘why you hang around my sister? Why?’ He slapped. ‘Money?’. He slapped again. ‘Money? Bad motive? What? What?’
The boy could remember about his mother, despite the violence, and his father, a tenacious Sahukar and some unborn children he imagined not so long ago. A silent boy he was, a trapped child himself, he could see they would not come and help him now. He was evidently in danger at a far way place, without a known way out. He would lose many things hereafter, his job, this girl, her city, he would see if he could save his life. Before losing consciousness, he shook his head.
He shook his head.
He lowered his head, as if in shame, and shook again.
Would you blame a twenty two year old girl for believing what she saw that evening, that ashamed nod, after being thoroughly talked to by her mother, grand mother, girl friends and her affectionate father? That would be harsh. You see, she had loved him too.
So the boy was laid unconscious, completely in discretion of the coffee house management, littered with blood and cash that would barely cover his hospital cost.
Years later the boy would be woken up and asked for money again.
“I need money dad. It’s for the business. Trust me when I say this one will make money. Every dad helps. Every Dad. Can’t you understand? Too old for that? I will pay back. Charge interest if you wish… You don’t love me, pay some cash at least.” A young man with a hope of making big stomped his foot in front of the boy.
The boy who looked like an old man now looked at his son and hated him. For his insolence, for his carelessness. ‘If I would have been married to Gauri’, he thought, ‘I could have had a son like this. I would have hated him too.’
That brought him peace. Despite the onslaught of senility he could begin to understand that it didn’t matter who he loved, who he slept with, with whom he spent his entire life hoping for better things to come.
Tears came trickling to him. Nothing was nothing.
But, that was at the end.
In the beginning it was a love story.
The girl did not hear it, the lonely girl,
Wrapped in the winter in a Kashmiri shawl.
Biddy nostrils in white fog smelled a musk
Of a strange, burly man who softly asked,
Come to the woods, girl, there we laugh
Soaked in the moon, to the sounds of harp
Dizzy we dance to the frisks of life.
A bolo dance, under the spell of a knife.
Splaying your boa skirt, swaying you in sleep
Over the stones, atop a stone of the deep
Piercing your hollow in a gurge of blood.
Merry men stray where in merry men’s flood
Floating in a smell of the crude things done.
The scent of an icky glue in the beret sun
Came to her nostrils and stirred her up,
Deaf to a cranky Borg in cold stirrups.
It screamed, “Bloody hell!” Screeched for a halt.
A witness told the TV, “It’s the girl’s fault.”
Hit by a tram, torn, quietly she bled.
Lying in a morgue, silly, dreamless and dead.